The Joke Thread (Try and keep it relatively clean, please)

[Punstarr]

Share your favorite jokes here! All we ask is that you keep it relatively clean. No profanity and nothing sexual. Basically nothing inappropriate. There are minors milling about on this site, after all and we want to cover our rears. Other than that, have fun and keep laughing!

I'll start with one of my favorites.

The CIA had an opening for a new hitman, so they were to interview three potential applicants. The way the interview worked was that each man was brought in for the interview with his wife sitting in the other room. The first man came in and the interviewer said as he handed the man a gun "a good hitman must follow orders unquestioningly. If you really want this job, take this gun, go into the next room and kill your wife". The man took the gun and went into the other room, but not much later he came back out and handed the gun back. "I couldn't do it", he said. The interviewer nodded, telling him the job isn't for everyone and sent the man and his wife on their way. The second man came in and the same scenario came about. He was given a gun and told to kill his wife. Again, he came out of the room, this time in tears. He handed the gun back and said he couldn't do it, and so he and his wife were sent on their way. The third man then came in and was given the same order... take the gun and kill his wife. This time however, as soon as he disappeared into the other room there was a loud "BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!" followed by a moment of silence... followed then by a horrible crashing and screaming that went on for nearly a minute. Finally, the man came out and handed the gun back to the interviewer, shaking his head. "This stupid gun you gave me was full of blanks! I had to beat her to death with the chair"!

[EDarthT]

I had a bit of a smirk at that one, here's one, it's about the only clean joke I know

What's round and laughs a lot?














A tickled onion

[Punstarr]

Heh.

Here's another one.

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"

-and another that I really hope doesn't ring true...

A twelve-year-old boy received a journal as a birthday gift. He looked at it carefully, but was mystified. "Mom, what's the deal with this book? All the pages are blank." "That's called a journal," she explained. "You write down interesting stuff that happens to you." His face brightened as he caught her drift. "So it's kinda like a blog, only on paper?!"

[therapist]

I keep wanting to post on here but every joke I know is dirty racist or sexist.

[Top-notch comix]

I've heard this one a few times, but it's still pretty good

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” "Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws"

[Mr.Smiley]

OOOhhh hahah Nice one top-notch. Ok heres a dumb one but funny.

[Necaphiliac]

A clean joke thread? That's like telling Lindsy Lohan to lay off the booze...

[Aesthetikz]

[Punstarr]

The Bible study group's leader asked, "What would you do if you knew you only had a week left to live?" One man answered, "I'd minister the gospel to those who have not yet accepted the Lord." A lady said, "I'd dedicate my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my friends." A man volunteered, "I'd go to my mother-in-law's for the whole week." The class looked puzzled. "Really?" asked the leader. "Why would you go to your mother-in-law's?" The man said, "Because that would make it the longest week of my life!"

[Wesr]

Sadly the cleanest joke I know is about a priest x.x

[CplHicks]

lol @ Punstar!!!

[Punstarr]

Jesus, Moses and an old man were teeing off on the 16th hole on heaven's golf course. The 16th hole is a par 3 (short) over a lake. Moses, the first to tee off, steps up and swings, and the ball dives right for the water. He instantly spreads his arms, the water parts, and the ball rolls across the bottom of the lake and up on to the green. The others complement him on his shot, and then Jesus steps up for his turn. Like Moses, Jesus' ball heads straight for the water, but when it gets there, it just rolls across the surface of the lake, continuing until it gets across and rolls up onto the green. After showering him with complements, the old man steps up to take his shot. His ball also dives for the lake, but bounces off the back of a turtle and on to the far shore. There, a squirrel picks up the ball and heads for the woods. As the others begin to laugh, a hawk swoops down and picks up the squirrel. As the hawk flies over the green, it squeezes the squirrel. The ball falls out of the squirrels mouth, bounces once on the green, and then rolls into the cup. Jesus turns to the man and says, "Nice shot dad!"

[grimlenking]

Jesus walks into a hotel and tosses a couple of nails onto the receptioists desk and asks "can you put me up for the night" I heard that from my friend thats a preacher

[Punstarr]

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

[Mr.Melter]

Why dont blind people sky dive? it scares the crap out of their dogs.