The Joke Thread (Try and keep it relatively clean, please)

[therapist]

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice, herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately pulls a doggie biscuit out of his pocket and offers it to the dog. A businessman watches this from across the street. "Excuse me, sir," he calls to the blind man, "are you aware that your dog has just pissed all down the leg of your pants !" "Yes," replies the blind man. "A dreadful habit, which I'm trying to break him of !" "Well, it's none of my business," says the onlooker, "but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit !" The blind fellow chuckles, and says, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his butt !"

[Punstarr]

My wife was watching a cooking show the other day. I asked her, "Why are you watching that? You can't cook." She said, "You watch porn." ...B*tch.

[MenByMckenn]

Speaking of wives....
Did you know that marriage is like a game of cards? At first all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a F!#@ing club and a spade.

[therapist]

Speaking of wives....
Did you know that marriage is like a game of cards? At first all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a F!#@ing club and a spade.

Someone read my poster in the drive by thread

100% of divorce is caused by marriage.

[MenByMckenn]

Speaking of wives....
Did you know that marriage is like a game of cards? At first all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a F!#@ing club and a spade.

Someone read my poster in the drive by thread

100% of divorce is caused by marriage.

Actually no, just got it as a e-mail from my young hip aunt. thought I'd share.

[Finn Varra]

This is a super old one:
Why are wedding dresses white?

So the new dishwasher matches the stove and the refrigerator.

[Mighty Puundragon]

I hope Michael Jackson jokes are OK? If not feel free to delete this

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds?

Because there is twenty of them.

[3bcustoms]

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen snort ?

..enough to kill two and a half men

<----hey look, it's a Charlie Sheen happy face

[therapist]

...."Hello?" "Hi honey, this is daddy, is mommy near the phone?" "No daddy, shes upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Paul." After a brief pause, dad says, "but honey, you dont have an uncle Paul". "Oh yes i do, and hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now". Another pause. "Uh, ok, i want you to put the phone down and run upstairs and knock on the door and say daddys car just pulled up". "Ok daddy, just a minute" after a minute she comes back to the phone... "i did it daddy". "Well, what happened honey?" "Well, mommy got scared jumped outta bed naked and screaming, tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isnt moving at all!" "Oh, no!! well, what about your uncle Paul?" "Well, he jumped out of the back window into the pool, but i guess he didnt know you emptied the water out of it last week to clean it". "He hit his head on the bottom of it and i think hes dead!" Real long pause.....then dad says, "swimming pool?" "is this 487-5732?" the little girl says "no, i think you have the wrong number!

[therapist]

This thread is dead. I suppose its becouse you people have no sense of humor. Laugh at this!

A blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mom and says: “Mommy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It’s good, isnt it?” “Yes, darling, very good.” Answers the mom. “Is that because I’m blonde?” she asks. “Yes, darling, it’s because you’re blonde.” the mom says. Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: “Mommy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It’s good, in it?” “Yes, darling, very good.” Answers the mom. “Is that because I’m blonde, mommy?” she asks. “Yes, darling it’s because you’re blonde.” The mom says. The following day, she returns from school and cries: “Mommy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!” She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mommy. “Is that because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No darling, it’s because you’re 25.”

[MCutter]

How many kids with attention deficit disorder does it take to change a light bulb?

...

Let's go ride bikes!

[MCutter]

Here are my two all-time favorite jokes:
____
Once upon a time a man who didn't like his neighbor decided to build a wall between their houses so that he would never have to see them. He measured the yard, did the math and calculated that he would need 99 bricks. At the hardware store he found that they would only sell bricks in bundles of 10, so he bought 100. Once he got home he built the wall and was left with one brick. What did he do with it?

He threw it in the air.

____
Once upon a time, on a cross-country plane ride there were two men sitting next to each other who quickly grew to hate each one another. One was smoking a fat cigar and the other had brought on board his pet monkey. The man with the cigar hated hearing the monkey, smelling the monkey, even seeing the monkey. The man with the monkey hated the smell of the cigar and kept coughing because of the thick smoke. The flight attendant regretfully told the men that neither could move their seat because the flight was full.
Finally, the man with the cigar turned to his seatmate and angrily said "Look, I'll make you a deal. I'll throw my cigar out of the plane if you'll do the same with that monkey."
The man with the monkey thought for a few seconds and then, equally angrily, said "Fine."
The flight attendant was called and agreed to help the men. The door was opened and out went the monkey! Then out went the cigar! The two men returned to their seats and sat in icy silence for the rest of the flight. After the plane landed and the passengers exited the men looked back and there, on the wing of the plane, they saw the monkey! And what was in his mouth?

A brick.