X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Hasbro)Hey bubs, Logan here- err, I mean, DrKnitmore here...I think that's how he spells it- I mean, how I spell it...my name, that is...
Anyway, I'm here to give you an honest, unbiased review of this fine hunk of plastic.
Y'know how sometimes you're being chased by a nefarious government agency so you gotta hide by becoming a logger and marrying the hottest chick you can find? It's a story as old as time, an' when it happens to you, you gotta dress the part too, like my little mini-me here- uh, like this little guy here who is not me, Wolverine! The best there is at what he does! The best there ever was! The best there ever will be!
Huh? Oh, Captain Coder says to get back to the review. Alright bub, don't get yer coo-coo-katchoo in a bunch, I'm gettin' to it!
Like I was sayin', you gotta dress the part if you're gonna be a reclusive biological experiment. You gotta get yourself a longsleeve that's 2 sizes too small, and leave the top buttons undone to really make those luscious pecs pop. Lookit all that wrinkly detail, you can almost see the muscle striations through the shirt!
Then you need to get yourself some tight pants, the tighter they are the jucier your bulging bits are gonna look so rub some grease in there if ya have to. You're gonna get some more of those wrinkle details, across your sinewy thighs, stretching across your sculpted calves and glutes.
That's it for clothes, I don't need no stinkin' underwear!
Top the figure off with a wild hairdo and a million dollar grimace and you've got the best figure there is at what it does and what that is is look damn good!
What's all this other crap in the package? An axe? What the hell- oh right, to keep up appearances! Plus there's 2 pairs of hands, one with classic bone claws and one plain an' fleshy. The wrists are just swivels, but what do ya expect when there are bony foot-longs in your forearms?
What else you wanna know, bubs? That's right, how to get a fistful of Wolverine hand candy! Well, this figure isn't being made anymore, all the other toy companies got jealous of how amazing this figure is and made Hasbro quit making it! Buncha' jerks!
Back in the day it sold for around 7 bucks off the rack, deal of the century if you ask me! Which you are, because you're reading this review! *SNICKT!*
WHOA! Sorry bub, I just get excited sometimes, my nerves are shot after 200 years of slashing faces- I mean, hey, no, I'm not Wolverine! This review is completely serious and unbiased!
Hey, let's see how much this figure sells for on the ol' [rap]e-bay...crap in Magneto's hat! Are those numbers real!? What kinda nutjub spends 80 bucks on a toy!
Oh, that's just scalper prices, alright, makin' more sense now! So how much do toys normally cost nowadays? Huh? 25 bucks? No, no, I mean just a normal toy, with no batteries or flashing bits or nothin'...WHAT?! How long was I sleeping in that cryopod before you guys woke me up! What year is this! What kinda' butt-suck dimension am I in where toys cost more than a steak dinner!
What? What do you mean it's not cool to eat delicious slabs of bloody rare meat anymore! And what? You can't share opinions about toys without having sanctimonious screwballs sh*tpost all over it? What, were they wanking to the figure and then got offended because the review said they were wanking to an ugly toy? Ain't nothin' ugly about Wolverine!
Screw this, pal, put me back in the pod, wake me up when the next X-Men movie rolls around so I can SNICKT! all the way to the bank!