Twilight - Movie Summary

Posted in Off Topic

http://www.freewebs.com/drnightmare/ind ... id=4469295

I summarize the movie for people who don't want to actually see it but want to know what the hubbub is about.

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The beginning already made my man-cackles itch, Bella is talking like she's writing into a diary, her speech devoid of emotion, she's like that throughout the whole movie too, really boring. She's moving from Arizona to Washington, a drastic change, but still, she sounds like she's reading outloud from a history book in class or something.

Anyway, the rest of the start is pleasant enough, old guys fighting, high-school silliness, gossip, what is up with all the guys hitting on Bella? Why is everyone so friendly with her out-of-the-blue? My guess is because she's the Police Chief's daughter and everyone seems to know it, makes sense, people want to suck up to the Chief's daughter (though later, you can see they really are cool friends, not just suck-ups).

Bella is staying with her Dad while her Mom is trying to get a job somewhere or something. Then we're told about the Cullens, the family consisting of a bunch of pale dark-lipped white kids adopted by Dr Cullen or something. And there's this creepy awkward sequence where Bella goes to biology class, sits next to Edward, the really pretty kid (I guess, lol), and they're sitting there and staring at each other in turns. The Edward kid is acting like something smells, and Bella is telling herself, WTF? Do I smell? And then Edward is like AARRG!! And he storms out of the classroom. Then Bella goes to the counselor's office and finds Edward there trying to get that class changed. And the old lady at the desk is like "Nuh-uh, fool". And Edward is like AARRG! again, and he says all Shakesperean, "I guess I'll just have to endure it!". What a stupid dick, but remember, chicks love guys who are dicks, so he's really a smart dick.

Then the guy doesn't show up at school for like 2 or 3 days, making Bella believe he doesn't like her, and remember, chicks love it when guys pretend not to be interested in them, this guy is a super smart dick. Then he comes back a few days later and is all glitchy and they're both talking all awkward for some reason. He's like "Hey baby-gurl, I'm Edward Cullen, I'm sorry I didn't try to pimp it to you earlier, now let's cut these onions." I'm paraphrasing. Then he asks, "So how do you like the rain?", which if we wanna look for hidden meaning means "You like how big a dick I am?". And Bella is like "No, I don't like cold wet things". But then they start their staring thing again, and she bites her lower lip and they're sorta smiling.

Anyway, later outside, some cars are about to crash because they skidded off the road, and are about to crush Bella, and Edward swoops in out of nowhere and busts a Superman by getting between her and the car and stops it. So they're staring at each other and then Edward jumps away over some other car and runs into the woods, in PLAIN SIGHT of everyone, and somehow NO ONE SAW HIM DO IT! WTF!? Then at the hospital, everyone is talking (no one was hurt), and Bella gets Edward alone and asks "WTF!?" And Edward is like "Can't you just thank me and get over it?" Truly a man's man. I can see why Bella wants him. Hell she even starts dreaming about him that same night. Lol.

At this point, the only reason I'm still watching the movie is because Bella is very pretty and I like her seemingly indifferent attitude towards the world, like a sexier version of me. Also, I'm hoping the vamps get set on fire, every time they come on screen with their smug Abercrombie and Finchness, I want to smack them across the face with a crowbar. Heh

So Bella and a guy friend of hers are outside the school and he asks her to go to Prom. For whatever reason, Edward is lurking around nearby, and being the totally cool guy he is, he totally Jedi mind-tricks her ass into rejecting. What a sport this guy is! Can totally see why he's so loveable. A few minutes later they're on a field trip in a green house, and Bella is about to slip but Edward non-chalantly catches her by the arm in time. So at this point I'm guessing Bella is important to the Vamps and they need her alive or something. But of course he's still a dick and is like "Could you try to not be such a f---ing clutz?"

I kept watching up where Ed and Bell are talking in the cafeteria and Ed is like, "We shouldn't be friends, but I want to. We shouldn't be talking but we are. I can't tell you who I am but I want to but I'm not going to because chicks dig mysterious guys and I'm this close to banging you". Again, paraphrasing. Then Bella says something funny about radioactive spiders and kryptonite and I figured, I think this is as good as this movie is going to get for me, so I fast forwarded a lot through the rest of the movie, but not before I heard Edward say, "What if I'm not the good guy? What if I told you I'm the bad guy?" This guy is so f---ing smooth. And Bella's panties melt of course.

I like that Bella's friend Jacob, and his own friends, are Native Americans and they don't welcome the Cullens on their land (their reservation). I don't want to stereotype, but honestly every NA I've met has a natural instinct for picking-out people who are touched by magic/supernatural/call it whatever you want, I thought that added some nice realism. Then Jacob tells her the relationship Cullens and their tribe have, it's pretty nifty.

Ok, so skip ahead, Bella is about to get raped by like 7 guys in the dark because she's walking home alone for some stupid reason, lol. The Magically Edwards appears in a car, stares down the dudes Batman-style, and they get out of there. Oh, by the way, Edward apparently is a champion stunt-driver as well. Yeah. And he reads minds. Except for Bella's. Cuz she's special. Or something. This is. How. Everyone. Talks in. This freaking. Movie. OMG. And he's like, what the hell, let's go eat. Except he doesn't eat, he just wanted to go into the restaurant to tell her all about himself and how "he doesn't have the strength to stay away from her anymore". Wow. That sh-- was truly epic when he said it, give this dude an award!

Later, Bella walks up the creepy-ass mountainside for some reason and Edward follows. They get into this epic talk about loving lambs and vampire lions, and he's like "I wanna eat you". And she's like, "I'm not afraid of you, I'm just afraid of losing you." WTF? Listen babe, You've known this crepy-ass kid for only a few days, he's a complete a--hole to you most of the time, he displays symptoms of psychosis, and just because he shows you how he sparkles in the sunlight, you're willing to forgive and forget all that? WTF!?

Okay, but to be fair, Vamp-boy said he was the ultimate predator, and something about even his very scent being able to attract his prey (which is cute girls apparently), so I can't call Bella a complete idiot, she kinda can't help it. She loves him because that's his ability, to make people love him profoundly. But he really does love her, naturally. I don't think either of them realize any of this. Stupid kids. xD

Then they go visit the dude's Vamp family, lol. This movie is wierd. Then they go up to his room and he doesn't have a bed, idiot! xD Another nice thing here is that Vamp Ed has a ton of music, makes perfect sense, unlike much of the rest of this movie...then Ed is like let's dance! And she's like, I can't dance. And she bites her lower lip a lot through the movie, it's so cute! Then he calls her a spider-monkey and they fly/jump around outside. Lol. Oh, also, Ed is a master pianist, just because.

Then Bella has a heart-to-heart with her dad.

Then she talks to her mom on he phone about boys and Ed shows up in her room, sneaky guy, then she hangs up.

Then Vamp Ed is like, "I like watching you sleep, I've been doing it for the last couple of months. Now I'm gonna kiss you and grope your boobs." And she's like "Cool". Whatever. Lol.

Then next day she brings Ed over to meet her dad "officially". I always love these scenes, especially when there are shotguns in the father's hands xD They go to play baseball with Ed's family in some misty gloomy field. Vampire Baseball is the stupidest televised sport I've ever seen. It's full of lame music and even lamer Matrix-effects. I hate this movie now. Lol. Then 3 rival vampires come out of the mists and everyone is like, aw sh--, they smelled Bella!

Then stuff happens, and honestly, the most f---ed-up thing about this movie is that Bella crushes her daddy's heart, nasty-style. Those few seconds after she tells him that thing and he's standing there frozen are painful to watch ;_;

Then there's some more happening in the last few minutes of the movie, I stopped watching it, I'm not interested enough in any of the characters, not enough characterization, aw well.