G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra; An Outsiders Look In *MAJOR SPOILERS

Posted in Off Topic

Greatings all. Being far more attracted to the Transformers half of Hasbro's two killer franchise series, the other being the G.I. Joe toyline, I have only limited knowledge of the history of the Joe's vs. Cobra mythos that has come to dominate the franchise. But, after doing some minor research, I did become somewhat interested and purchased a handful of the 3 a quater inch plastic soilders and terrorists. The Joe Franchise is older than the Transformers series truth be told, but the mythos of the G.I. Joe forces fighting Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization bent on world conquest is the only one to carry true fiction, the original 12" action figures being little more than nameless warriors caught forever in some nonspecific conflict.

While the cartoon series, G.I. Joe a Real American Hero, was, like Transformers, of dubious quality, the comics, again like its brother in toy advertisments, were usual well written and intertaining while not shying away from the effects of violence and war. Still, the cartoon is probably what most people would be familiar with; a campy, mediocerly written 22 minute long toy comercial and P.S.A.

Once more, the two series of G.I. Joe and Transformers are brought together in the fact that the directors and producers of both films said F*** YOU to both the comic and cartoon series and chose to build something totally new with the characters. While opinions vary one the Transformers film franchise, a quagmire I will not be stepping into any time soon I assure you, G.I. Joe Rise of Cobra provides us with an opportunity as a new franchise to be able to examine it without too much venom spewed at us from the camp that will enevitably cry "Runied Forever" do to it not adhearing slavisly to the original series'. Though such a party already long since rose up when the movie was first announced, the same situation for the Transformers movie franchise in fact.

Now, without further ado, let us look into what has been brought before us. The movie opens in Franch during the mid 1600's with Klan McCullen being convicted of dealing arms to both the French and Scotish and forced to wear a mask of iron as punishment. Klan McCullen is of course the ancestor of the modern day weapons developer James McCullen, played by Dr. Who veteran Christopher Eccleston, who unveils his newest weapon to Nato, a nanite based weapon capable of devouring metal and other assorted material's but also have the capability to enhance human's enjected with them to superhuman levels.

The four nanite warhead's he's developed are intrusted to be delivered safly to Nato by a U.S. Militray convoy led by Duke and Ripcord, played by Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayns respectivly). Predictably, the convoy is ambushed by a strange flying vehicle that is all but impervious to their weapons and devastates the air and ground support before a group of armored gunmen arrive, plowing through a hail of gunfire and explosives like they were nothing. Along side them is the Barroness played by Sienna Miller who delivers a mixed preformance in my opinion. The Barroness in this continuity was actually engaged to Duke four years previous but broke it off after her brother was killed in an unnamed conflict in East Africa with Duke vanishing from her life.

The armored goons, called Neo-Vipers and Baroness almost steal teh breifcase containing the four warhead's but the arival of Snake-Eyes (Ray Park), Scarlet (Racheal Nicholes), Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) and Breaker (Saïd Taghmaoui) who in an action packed fight, slaughter the Neo-Vipers and force them into retreat. Attempting to take the breifcase for themselves, Duke refuses to let them have it and convices them, with the premition of a rather hamy Gerneral Hawk (Dennis Quaid). From here the plot unravels.

James plans to use to use the nanites to destroy major goverments around the world, sending into a panic before the people turn to the then most powerful man on Earth, himself, for guidance. A long for the ride are the Baroness, Storm Shadow (Lee Byung-hun) a ninja mercanary and former student alongside Snake Eyes, Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) a master of disguise who later gains the ability to actual change his appearance through the use of nanites, and The Doctor (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), a raspy voiced burn victim that uses a breathing mask and developer of the nanite technology.

Tricking the Joes into activating a tracking device on the breifcase, he sends the Baroness, Storm Shadow and a team of Neo Vipers to attack The Pit, the Joes base of operations, to take it back. In doing so, several unnamed Joes and Cover Girl (Karolína Kurková) who is killer personally by Zartan with a knife through the back and Hawk wounded in a fight with Storm Shadow. Despite a valiant effort, the evil duo steal the nanite warhead's and plot to strike at a personal target for James, Franch and use the Baroness husband, a scientist as a pawn to weaponize the deadly nanites who is then killed by Storm Shadow after the Baroness kisses him. He was ordered to kill him if he ever touched her as he had previously warned her. The Baroness informs him that she knew. Cold blooded man.

Storm Shadow fires a warhead at the Iffel Tower which devours part of the base as well as several cars and buses that the nanites also swarm over before the Joes are able to disarm them but at the cost of Scarlet, Ripcord, Breaker and Heavy Duty being arrested by the French police and Duke getting captured. It's this sequance that the Accelorate Suits are most used and not much else in the film with the characters still using their exeptional psychial abilites and special weaponry to carry out their missions.

Duke is taken to their base in the Antartic where in a desperate move, reactivates the tracking device at the expense of a Shuriken in the shoulder by Storm Shadow. The base itself is a sprawling underwater complex bristling with weaponry and Neo-Viper's. The main team attack the base using underwater fighter craft and a submarine in a display of some very impressive imagination and CGI while Scarlet and Snake Eyes infiltrate the base to rescue Duke and capture McCullen. Ripcord stays behind to destroy the nanite warheads, now equipped in several missiles and targeted toward Bejing, Moscow and D.C. but Snake Eyes is able to shoot down the Bejing missile before it gets out of range. Ripcord goes after the remaining two missiles in a Night Raven fighter jet that just so happened to be stashed right out in the open. Of course!

All the while, we find out that the Doctor is really Rex Lewis, Duke's former friend and the Baroness's brother who had been horrible scared in a missile strike. Along with Doctor Mindbender, the true creater of the nanite technology, the now insane Rex perfected them and joined up with James in his plot to rule the world. During this, Rex had kidnapped and injected the nanites into his shattered sister, turning her into the evil Baroness who breaks the control of the nanites in time to save Duke from becoming another Neo-Viper at the hands of Rex. In the struggle, James' face is horrible burned by Duke and makes an escape as the base starts to fall apart with the Joe forces outside blowing away their own armies.

All the while, Snake Eyes makes his way to the main weapon of the base's power center where he encounters Storm Shadow. The two dual in a truly epic clash that ends with Storm Shadow slashed and stabbed before falling to his death in the icy waters bellow. Yeah...he'll be back for the sequal, trust me on this. Snake Eyes morns the death *snicker* of his former friend, despite his actions and the suspicion that he had a hand in the death of their master.

The weapon disable, the Joe's are more easily able to finish up the job and the sub safe from further harm. Duke and the Baroness escape and go after Rex and James in a submersable fighter. On board the escape pod that James and Rex used, Rex actiavtes the bases self destruct which causes the ice sheet above it to crack and sink below, crushing the base and forcing the Joe's into retreat.

Rex injects James with the nanites which turn his head into a rocky, silver "mask" and binds him to obideance to Rex. James laments his fate at having joined Klan McCullen in their now shared fate. Rex downs a rather silly looking mask that deepness his voice and tells James, who he had renamed Destro, to call him Cobra Commander in a voice that sounds like Darth Vader. It's all rather hilarious really.

However, both Cobra Commander and Destro are capture by Duke and the Baroness when the Joe's surround their escape pod with submersable fighters and the sub mentioned before. The Baroness is detained in the brig of the U.S.S. Flagg do to the nanities she was injected with being difficult to remove from her system.

Cut to Washington D.C. with the President being welcomed back into the White House after being ushered into a bunker after the missiles launched. After entering the oval office, the President puts his feet up on the desk, hands behind his head and whistles a tune sung by Zartan multiple times before with the implication clear that Zartan had killed and replaced the President while in the bunker.

Over all, this really isn't a bad movie. It's fairly well written but the acting is a mixed bag. Sienna Miller starts of strong as a deadly femme fatal but after her face heel turn, her acting become stilted and somewhat wooden. Marlon Waynes, a comedic actor is solid but the number of gags involving his character almost becomes annoying but I can live with it. As said before, Dennis Quaid really hams it up as Gen. Hawk. It didn't bother me but some may be trouble by it. Rachel Nichols is another problem. Half the time she's a strong actor but the other half it just falls totally flat.

The others pull off a strong preformance with Joseph Gordon-Levitt bringing a truly menacing and insane tone to Cobra Commander with a raspy voice that is honestly ruined by that silly mask. The mask is another problem. While the toys I've seen have a transparent mask, the one in the film is solid but still looks utterly goofy. I really prefer the hood but the producers felt it too close to the KKK hoods and vetod it. I have to agree, I mean it is blue, not pointed and far smaller than the KKK hoods. Obviously it is far too close and sombody would be offended by the insane Terrorist leader wearing a hood that looks nothing like the KKK's own hood. Another question is why didn't they just use the mirrored mask? Anything would have been better than that utterly stupid looking mask he wears in the film.

Also, the CGI is rather primitive by comparison to the incredible work seen in Transformers and is painfully obvious. Say what you want about the Transformers movies themselves, but it can not be denied that they are incredible done and look amazingly realistic in most instances. I suppose I might just have been spoiled by that quality but I was not impressed by a lot of the work done in Rise of Cobra though the underwater action scenes are incredible.

I have to say that I did enjoy the movie despite its flaws and despite the best efforts of a group of little [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] brats that kept talking, running up and down the isle behind me and kicking my seat throughout the whole bloody affair.

By the way, if you catch wind in the coming weeks of the murders of several children and teenagers in South Arkansas...I didn't do it.

Really, the movie is worth the price of admition. Is it a great movie? No. Is it a fun movie? Yes, and that's all I ask for. But this is all just one mans opinion. Go out, see the movie yourself and be the judge, as for me, I'm still waiting on Revenge of the Fallen to come out on DVD.