The Joke Thread (Try and keep it relatively clean, please)
The Joke Thread (Try and keep it relatively clean, please)
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Off TopicShare your favorite jokes here! All we ask is that you keep it relatively clean. No profanity and nothing sexual. Basically nothing inappropriate. There are minors milling about on this site, after all and we want to cover our rears. Other than that, have fun and keep laughing!
I'll start with one of my favorites.
The CIA had an opening for a new hitman, so they were to interview three potential applicants. The way the interview worked was that each man was brought in for the interview with his wife sitting in the other room. The first man came in and the interviewer said as he handed the man a gun "a good hitman must follow orders unquestioningly. If you really want this job, take this gun, go into the next room and kill your wife". The man took the gun and went into the other room, but not much later he came back out and handed the gun back. "I couldn't do it", he said. The interviewer nodded, telling him the job isn't for everyone and sent the man and his wife on their way. The second man came in and the same scenario came about. He was given a gun and told to kill his wife. Again, he came out of the room, this time in tears. He handed the gun back and said he couldn't do it, and so he and his wife were sent on their way. The third man then came in and was given the same order... take the gun and kill his wife. This time however, as soon as he disappeared into the other room there was a loud "BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!" followed by a moment of silence... followed then by a horrible crashing and screaming that went on for nearly a minute. Finally, the man came out and handed the gun back to the interviewer, shaking his head. "This stupid gun you gave me was full of blanks! I had to beat her to death with the chair"!
Please wait...
Posted by
Punstarr on Thursday, July 1, 2010
User Comments
X Men on eBay
Update Topic
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Once upon a time a man who didn't like his neighbor decided to build a wall between their houses so that he would never have to see them. He measured the yard, did the math and calculated that he would need 99 bricks. At the hardware store he found that they would only sell bricks in bundles of 10, so he bought 100. Once he got home he built the wall and was left with one brick. What did he do with it?
He threw it in the air.
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Once upon a time, on a cross-country plane ride there were two men sitting next to each other who quickly grew to hate each one another. One was smoking a fat cigar and the other had brought on board his pet monkey. The man with the cigar hated hearing the monkey, smelling the monkey, even seeing the monkey. The man with the monkey hated the smell of the cigar and kept coughing because of the thick smoke. The flight attendant regretfully told the men that neither could move their seat because the flight was full.
Finally, the man with the cigar turned to his seatmate and angrily said "Look, I'll make you a deal. I'll throw my cigar out of the plane if you'll do the same with that monkey."
The man with the monkey thought for a few seconds and then, equally angrily, said "Fine."
The flight attendant was called and agreed to help the men. The door was opened and out went the monkey! Then out went the cigar! The two men returned to their seats and sat in icy silence for the rest of the flight. After the plane landed and the passengers exited the men looked back and there, on the wing of the plane, they saw the monkey! And what was in his mouth?
A brick.
...
Let's go ride bikes!
A blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mom and says: “Mommy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It’s good, isnt it?” “Yes, darling, very good.” Answers the mom. “Is that because I’m blonde?” she asks. “Yes, darling, it’s because you’re blonde.” the mom says. Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: “Mommy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It’s good, in it?” “Yes, darling, very good.” Answers the mom. “Is that because I’m blonde, mommy?” she asks. “Yes, darling it’s because you’re blonde.” The mom says. The following day, she returns from school and cries: “Mommy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!” She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mommy. “Is that because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No darling, it’s because you’re 25.”
..enough to kill two and a half men
Why does Michael Jackson like twenty nine year olds?
Because there is twenty of them.
Why are wedding dresses white?
So the new dishwasher matches the stove and the refrigerator.
100% of divorce is caused by marriage.
Actually no, just got it as a e-mail from my young hip aunt. thought I'd share.
100% of divorce is caused by marriage.
Did you know that marriage is like a game of cards? At first all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you wish you had a F!#@ing club and a spade.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University ..
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same freaking elephant.
DRAAAIIIIINSSSSSSSS.
I like it, DT!
ANSWER: The brunette because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. *rimshot*
Here's a new one that made me chuckle.
Paddy was passing by Mick's hay shed when he noticed Mick dancing a slow, sensual striptease before an old Massey-Ferguson tractor. Buttocks clenched, he did a slow pirouette, gently sliding along the right wheel well and then the left, hunching his shoulders, letting his suspenders slip from his shoulders. He then ripped open his plaid shirt and tossed it onto a pile of hay. "Jeezus, Mick!" yelled Paddy. "What're ya doin'?' "Oh, hey, Paddy. Ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me," said the obviously embarrassed Mick. "Ya see, me and the missus been having a little trouble lately in the ol' bedroom department and the doctor suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!"
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” "Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws"
Here's another one.
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the crap inside!"
-and another that I really hope doesn't ring true...
A twelve-year-old boy received a journal as a birthday gift. He looked at it carefully, but was mystified. "Mom, what's the deal with this book? All the pages are blank." "That's called a journal," she explained. "You write down interesting stuff that happens to you." His face brightened as he caught her drift. "So it's kinda like a blog, only on paper?!"
What's round and laughs a lot?
A tickled onion